Meatcleaver Massacre (aka Hollywood Meatcleaver Massacre) (1977)

Woody Wise, proprietor of Hollywood's Attic with whom I've had some dealings, sent me a copy of this largely because he was involved in its production (he played a doctor). I don't want to offend Woody, but I fear I would offend the very fabric of the universe if I did not tell you how monumentally bad this movie (we propose movie reviews, research papers, essays and term paper for sale on our website) is.

The basic plot, after a fairly generic and lifeless intro by Christopher Lee (who, it must be said, is no Kriswell): A university professor of the occult (Woody, your label says the professor's name is Billings, but he's called Cantrell on the tape) earns the ire of some shaggy students (remember, this is the seventies), apparently because he tells one slacker, a mean-looking kid named Mason, to grow up and write his term paper. So Mason and three buddies go to the professor's house to wreak some harmless havoc, except Mason clubs the professor and his friends proceed to kill the wife, son, daughter, and family dog. The professor is left in a coma, but his imprisoned mind calls up a medieval demon to avenge his family.

I know, you've got two questions on your mind:
1) Where's the "meatcleaver" in all this? And

2) How well does Woody act?

Answers:
1) Well, one of the students used a meatcleaver to kill one of the family members, but it's not like it's a prominent motif. And the demon stays invisible for most of the picture, so the students get invisibly bloodied or burned. It was just a deceptive marketing ploy in the aftermath of that other famous cinematic massacre.

2) He's no professional, but I'll say this: He holds his own against the ostensible stars of this feature (who, truth be told, ain't no professionals either).
Truly, this was tedious to watch. The picture was dark and mulch-colored (I don't know if it was originally shot with consistently bad light, or the print Woody has is not the best, or if the transfer he made just wasn't good), the music was tedious and dated, the characters all looked the same (a bunch of dark-haired guys with moustaches, except for the girls -- no moustaches on them), the dialogue was lackluster and delivered appropriately, the deaths were unimaginative, and the police detective investigating both the Cantrell family's murders and the inexplicable student deaths looked like he should have been managing a Taco Time somewhere.

The worst thing about this movie is that it's so dull. It lacks both quality and that Ed Wood delusion of quality; there's nothing to commend it to future generations. Except the title.